Ship/Member: jeonghan/seungcheol(/joshua)
Major Tags: infidelity (implied)
Additional Tags: none
Permission to remix: please ask!

*

When Seungcheol proposes to Jeonghan, Joshua is the first to know.

It’s on purpose, he’s sure. It has to be deliberate. Jeonghan’s eyes stay on him as he retells the conversation, laughing as though it’s nothing. Isn’t Seungcheol so funny? It was ridiculous of him to ask, Jeonghan says airily, waving a dismissive hand. It’s not like they can even do it for real.

“So you aren’t going to do it?” Joshua asks, then, unable to keep the words trapped beneath his tongue where they belong, and Jeonghan’s gaze cuts to his, sharp.

“Of course I am,” he answers immediately. Not quite a snap, but close enough. All his humour gone just like that. Joshua smiles at him, blank and bland.

“I’m happy for you, then,” he says, heart slamming against his ribs.

He is.

He is happy.

Why wouldn’t he be happy?

*

“Marriage is such a big step,” Seungkwan says at dinner when Jeonghan tells the group. The words may be careful but his eyes are wide and impressed, clearly excited at the prospect. Jeonghan’s grin is smug, the cat who got the canary. Having his cake and eating it too.

“Well, it’s just Seungcheollie,” he says. “I’ve known him forever, you know. There’s no one I trust more.”

Seungcheol is sitting next to him and ignoring the rest of them to beam at Jeonghan, eyes liquid with emotion, arm not budging from its perpetual rest around his shoulder. Joshua can’t stop staring, imagining the warm weight of it.

Jeonghan is so loved. Has always been so loved.

On the other side of the table Joshua sits next to Junhui, three friendly centimetres between their arms, and says nothing, does nothing. Eats nothing, even when Vernon gestures questioningly towards the grill with the tongs. When Minghao excuses himself for a smoke a little white later he follows him out without a second thought, making an excuse about needing to get some fresh air that no one hears except Junhui next to him, who barely even looks up from his food.

Outside the restaurant Minghao tilts his head in polite bemusement when Joshua comes up next to him, hesitantly offering a cigarette and looking relieved when he refuses. Joshua shoves his hands into his pockets and just stands there. It’s awkward, honestly, but not enough to make him want to go back in.

“You’re not happy for him?” Minghao asks, finally, around an exhaled mouthful of smoke. Joshua freezes.

“Of course I am.”

Minghao doesn't look convinced, a flat expression of disbelief on his face.

“You're out here,” he points out. Joshua’s stomach roils, turning itself into knots. His palms are clammy.

“I am happy for him,” he lies, tasting ash in his mouth. “He's my best friend. I love — I am happy.”

Minghao stares at him as he stubs out his cigarette.

“Okay,” he says, finally. “Do you want to go back inside?”

Joshua doesn’t.

“Sure.”

His mouth forms the word on its own.

*

When it’s time to leave the three of them share a cab, Seungcheol whining and laughing when Jeonghan makes him squeeze into the middle. Joshua stares out the window and wonders if this means Jeonghan is going to move out. Seungcheol isn’t even technically on their lease. Surely they’ll want something more permanent. Something that’s only for them.

Back at the apartment Seungcheol goes to the bathroom first, leaving Joshua and Jeonghan together in the kitchen. Joshua didn’t drink at the restaurant but Jeonghan did — his cheeks are flushed pink with it, an irritated little scowl on his face that means he’s already starting to get a headache.

Joshua’s hand is so much bigger than Jeonghan’s when he passes over a glass of water. They were the same size once, he remembers. He’s broader now, stronger, but Jeonghan is almost as narrow as he was when they were nineteen. His face looks soft and young in the light of the kitchen.

“Are you going to move out?” Joshua asks quietly, taking a sip of his water. “When you guys — you’ll want to get own place, right?”

“Why would we do that?” Jeonghan asks, face impassive, and Joshua flounders.

“Right,” he says, voice weak. “I just thought — ”

“We’re happy here together, aren’t we?” Jeonghan asks, not letting him finish. It isn’t really a question. The way he’s looking at him is making Joshua’s skin itch. The guilt bubbles in his stomach, nauseating and sour.

“Jeonghan,” he blurts out impulsively, setting his glass down on the counter. “I — ”

Jeonghan’s gaze sharpens. He says nothing, a silent challenge as he waits for Joshua to finish.

“I — ” Joshua starts again, trying, but at the look on Jeonghan’s face the words die in his throat. He’s a coward, he realizes. He’ll never say it out loud. He’ll never be able to tell Jeonghan what he did.

The softness from earlier is all gone from Jeonghan’s face, now, his expression obstinately blank. He’ll never admit that he knows, either. Joshua wonders if it’ll be like this forever. If he’ll ever pull himself free.

Between the two of them, he isn’t sure who he hates more.

“Everything okay?” Seungcheol asks, startling both of them as he comes up behind Jeonghan to wrap his arms around his waist. Jeonghan flinches before he relaxes into it, leaning back to rest his head against Seungcheol’s shoulder. Joshua wonders, as he always does, what it would be like to have that for real.

You did, he reminds himself. He did have it, just that once. It’s just that he didn’t do it right.

It’s just that he wasn’t enough.

“Yeah,” he manages, now, his tongue heavy and swollen in his mouth. “Everything’s fine.”

Seungcheol smiles at Joshua, warm and pleasant, before he presses a kiss to Jeonghan’s temple. Joshua smiles back, but Seungcheol doesn’t see it.

“Great,” he replies, already distracted by the curve of Jeonghan’s neck. “I’m glad.”

But I always said I wanted him to be happy, & now I know it was true all along. I do want that. Even when it looks like this I still want it.