Ship/Member: Minghao/Soonyoung
Major Tags: non-binary! minghao, love for soonyoung, minghao centric
Additional Tags: tw light ambiguous mention of suicide and loneliness (i haven't written in ages, i'm sorry if this is absolutely terrible)
Permission to remix: Yes!

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Minghao likes mornings, they decide for themselves one morning. When they wake up at 2pm, blood of regret flows through their vein the next day. They think that it is cosmically unfair that although they slept early with the hope of getting up before the sunrise, it didn’t go as planned.

They think about Hiromi Kawakami, and they think of the night which will nibble into them tonight. Every night, Minghao repeats, reminds themselves of the choices they have made, they think about Soonyoung and his bashfulness and how easy it is for them to love him, the continuity and the fluidity.

Soonyoung’s delight, the blue that Minghao thinks about, the love in blue, eternal blue, the something they chose to live for. It is ironic for Minghao to confess about love, Soonyoung when they think about how fleeting they thought love is, was. Minghao’s heart already ripped apart, they can hear the melting blue and see Soonyoung’s laugh.

Most days, more than most days, Minghao thinks of themselves as a bad person, a selfish person who thinks about love, has an abundance of love, but a little less for themselves. If fate is real, Minghao believes that Soonyoung is made of love, and all that they embody is grief. Soonyoung thinks that grief carries love, with sprinkles of rage and tragedy, nonetheless mostly just love.

Minghao thinks about Soonyoung’s heart and closes their eyes, thinks about Soonyoung’s heart and thinks about thinking things (mostly revolving around Soonyoung and how he’s eager to listen to Minghao talk about the book they’re reading) and Soonyoung’s heart and the end of the world and the kitchen table and Soonyoung’s heart which is made of love and maybe, god (mostly kimchi).

Minghao hates anachronisms; they believe in the present, now, right now, this very moment but keep thinking about drowning in silence and smiling with loneliness. So, one day, while boiling water for tea when Hansol asks them, “when was the last time you felt happy?” Minghao thinks about the showcase where they performed with Soonyoung the previous month, the meal they had an hour ago in the kitchen, the impressionism-esque painting they did of Soonyoung for their assessment a year ago, the way Soonyoung cracked up in between their argument, Soonyoung. They respond by saying, “Here and there, much more than less.”

So, every morning Minghao is reminded of cosmic unfairness, Soonyoung ripping their heart out, and the slight sunlight seeping in from the bedroom window.


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